Coping with the illness of a parent is difficult enough on its own, but often such a circumstance can cause conflicts between siblings. These kinds of conflicts can really escalate when a parent requires long terms care and someone needs to step in and take on the role of caregiver. They types of conflicts that come up differ from family to family, depending on several different factors, but it is important to know in advance that caregiving is potentially troublesome for sibling relationships so you can manage this from the outset – it will be one less burden everyone needs to carry during this difficult time.
The number one issue for siblings when it comes to caregiving roles is who is going to take on what responsibilities. The way this problem manifests itself, however, depends largely on the kind of relationship each sibling has with the parent and with each other. If the family is close and each sibling has a close relationship with the parent involved, then the conflict may come up as rivalry. Siblings may compete with who will provide the primary care for the parent, especially if the decision is made that someone will either have to move in with the parent or have the parent move into their home. The opposite problem will occur if the siblings and parents are not close. A history of bad feeling and estrangement between the siblings and the parent may leave the siblings arguing over which one of them has to provide the care, as neither of them wants to get too involved.
There is, of course, a middle ground to this issue, and that is the one where one sibling is the clear choice as the caretaker, and the other siblings remain involved on a limited basis. This situation can actually cause more resentment on the part of the caretaker than any other, as they may feel unduly burdened by taking on all of the care themselves, and they cannot see a good reason why their siblings are not helping. Understanding that your brother and mother do not get along and he remains uninvolved in her care is one thing. Seeing your brother breeze into town and stop by to say hello to your mother for 20 minutes on his way out of town on vacation when you haven’t been able to so much have a cup of coffee with a friend in months is quite another thing and much harder to take.
These problems don’t have to happen with you and your siblings if you’re ready to plan for them in advance. Anticipate the bumps in the road and try to avoid them. The most important thing you can do is make sure that everyone is involved in every decision that relates to the care of the parent. Not only will this help make sure no one feels left out, it will also give everyone a very clear picture of what exactly the caretaker has to deal with, so they may be more willing to jump in and help.
Another big help for siblings is to devise a schedule that meets everyone’s needs. Everyone is likely to have different levels of availability to provide care, but you should split up responsibilities as much as possible. Siblings who live out of town may be called on to contribute financially more while those in town can help with doctor’s visits, cleaning and so on.
For siblings, realizing a parent requires caregiving is a daunting discovery. The best way to make sure the parent gets what they need while the sibling relationships are protected is to make sure the communication doors are always open.
